SWF ISO Tall Dark Handsome Man for Moonlit Guitar Serenades, Gross Overconsumption of Mountain Dew, and Long Walks on the Beach

Last night, after some hours of crying in my bed like a girl, cuddling my Velveteen Rabbit and watching Bridget Jones 2 for the umpteenth time while eating cold leftover Popeye's, I texted a friend and before too long was complaining about unrequited love and having what might arguably deserve a spot in the annals of history as the whiniest conversation of all time.

"That's it. I'm becoming a nun," I said. "I'm joining the Sisters of Charity in their little convent outside Vatican City and..."

"You and I both know that's not the case," he informed me. "Talk about Sister What-a-Waste. You're intelligent, you're cute, you're fun, and as soon as you de-heathenify yourself, we'll find you a good guy."

Sigh. To quote the greatest movie musical of all time, I need a hero.