Pensees

So, it's official.

I'm directing A Midsummer Night's Dream. Again. Performing in December. That'll make twice in 2006 alone. Oi vey.

I'm also utterly exhausted. The Miracle Worker opens on Friday night, and I've been at the theater every night for the past pretty much... forever.

Life is hectic.

Today (8/28) is the feast day of St. Augustine, which means Joe and I got engaged two years ago today. It's sort of a weird, trippy feeling. I've been missing him a lot lately, for the first time in a long time.

I'm beginning to realize how desperately I've been trying to supplant Joe in my life for the last thirteen-odd months, and moreover, how silly and futile that is. I opened one of my C. S. Lewis books yesterday at random and stumbled upon a passage about how we often refuse to take happiness on its own terms -- how, as human beings, we tend to stubbornly fixate on some point in the long-distant past, telling ourselves that that is happiness, and that anything which is not that cannot possibly make us happy. In this way, we self-destruct and sabotage the gifts God sends us which do not come in the packaging which we expected.

Two years ago, being engaged to Joe made me happy. Right now, this moment, in Atlanta, Georgia, that is not what God wants for me. That is not what He's trying to give me.

What is he trying to give me? That's the real question.

And more importantly, why am I not accepting it?